goofy horse Horsey Humor

Top Ten Ways to Get Rid of Your Farrier

1. Always wait until the last minute to schedule your shoeing appointments.
2. Do not handle your horses' feet at all. Especially the young ones.
3. Make sure your horses are loose in the pasture when your farrier arrives. The larger the pasture the better.
4. Read horse magazines so you can instruct your farrier on the latest shoeing techniques.
5. Fill the shoeing area with as many obstructions as possible. Dogs and children count extra.
6. Be sure and feed the other horses while the farrier is working.
7. Lead the horses through mud before bringing them to be trimmed or shod.
8. Don't clean your stalls and don't use fly spray.
9. Complain about the bill shortly after pointing out the high price of your new truck, daughter's horse, boat, etc.
10. Delay paying the bill as long as possible.

pregnant

FOALING MARE'S SECRET CODE

The mare's secret code of honor is as old as horses themselves and is ultimately the species best kept secret. No mare shall ever produce a foal before it's time.

(It's time being determined by the following factors):


1. No foal shall be born until total chaos has been reached by all involved. Your house must be a wreck, your family hungry and desperate for clean clothes, and your social life nonexistent.
2. Midwives must reach the babbling fool status before you foal out. Bloodshot eyes, tangled hair and the inability to form a sentence mean you're getting close.
3. For every bell, beeper, camera or whistle they attach to you, foaling must be delayed by at least one day for each item.
4. Vet check, add a day, internal add three. If you hear the words, "She's nowhere near ready. You'll be fine while I'm away for the weekend," Wait 12 to 16 hours and pop that baby out!
5. Owner stress must be at an all time high! If you are in the care of someone else, ten to fifteen phone calls a day is a sign you're getting close. When you hear the words "I can't take it anymore!" wait three days and produce a foal.
6. You must keep this waiting game interesting. False alarms are necessary! Little teasers such as looking at your stomach, pushing your food around in the bucket and then walking away from it are always good for a rise. Be creative and find new things to do to keep the adrenaline pumping in those who wait.
7. The honor of all horses is now in your hands. Use this time to avenge all of your stable mates. Think about your friend who had to wear that silly costume in front of those people. Hang onto that baby for another day. OH, they made him do tricks too! Three more days seems fair. Late feedings, the dreaded diet, bad haircuts, those awful wormings can also be avenged at this time.
8. If you have fulfilled all of the above and are still not sure when to have this foal, listen to the weather forecast on the radio that has been so generously provided by those who wait. Severe storm warning is what you're waiting for. In the heart of the storm jump into action! The power could go out and you could have the last laugh. You have a good chance of those who wait missing the whole thing while searching for a flashlight that works!
9. Make the most of your interrupted nights. Beg for food each time someone comes into the stable to check you. Your stable mates will love you as the extra goodies fall their way too.
10. Remember, this code of honor was designed to remind man of how truly special horses are. Do your best to reward those who wait with a beautiful filly to carry on the mare code of honor for the next generation of those who wait!

stable people You Know You're A Horse Person When ...

* Your husband brings the new saddle to bed so he can work on it while watching TV.
* You trade your yuppie mobile for a truck, so you can better accommodate your horses.
* You see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician.
* The floor plan of the house you're building accommodates a horse lifestyle.
* You clean a horse's sheath and don't hurl.
* You groom your horse and you haven't been to a beautician in.....?
* Your horse gets new shoes more often than you.
* Someone says, "Does anyone have a screwdriver?" and you hand them a hoofpick.
* You save the hoof shavings for the dog.
* You poke your honey in the ribs, saying, "over", in the kitchen.
* You clean your tack after *every* ride but never ever wash the car.
* You spend more on that 6 year old jumper than you've EVER spent on a car!
* You get your income tax refund and the first thing you do is head for the tack shop.
* You go on a diet, not to be more attractive, but to be a better rider.
* Your horse has its mane pulled more often than you get a hair cut.
* You live hand to mouth and somehow come up with the $800 for emergency vet bills.
* Your house is "decorated" with bits, saddles, bridles, halters, blanket racks, trunks, trophies and ribbons.
* There are bits soaking in your bathroom sink.
* You save every horse magazine you have ever bought.
* You show up at work with bran mash (unbeknownst to you) all over the back of your coat.
* Your car is the only one in the company parking lot with mud splashes on the windshield.
* Your horse costs more than your truck or (if you're really committed) your house!!
* You'll spend money on new horse blankets before you get yourself a new winter coat.
* You get all starry eyed over the new Millers catalogue instead of Victoria's Secret.
* When your horse eats before your husband!!

run Top 10 Exercises for the Equestrian


10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Get off, GET OFF!"
9.Leap out of a moving vehicle & practice "relaxing in the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7.Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun!
5. Hone your fibbing skills "See, hon, moving hay bales in FUN!" & "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
4.Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army slogan: Be All That You Can Be - bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen, etc.
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."
1. The number 1 exercise to become a better equestrian - marry money!!

woman
IDENTIFICATION OF THE FEMALE EQUESTRIAN

* Easy to locate, she's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
* Upholds the double standard: smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when hubby needs a shave.
* Owns one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn.
* Economy minded: won't waste money on permanents, facials or manicures.
* A culinary perfectionist: checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
* Easy to outfit: no need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
* Features a selective sense of smell: bitterly complains about hubby's sticky-sweet cigar smoke, while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
* A master at multiplication: she starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
* Socially aware: knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
* Easy to please: a new wheelbarrow, custom boots or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
* Shows her affection in unusual ways: if she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!

appy A HORSEPERSON'S GLOSSARY

* Auction: A popular social gathering where you can change your horse from a liability to an asset
* Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse-show food stands
* Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly
* Endurance ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you
* Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure
* Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse something to chew on
* Grooming: Fine art of removing dirt from your horse's body and applying it to your own
* Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners
* Longeing: Popular training method in which a horse exercises his owner by spinning him in circles until dizzy
* Pinto: Green coat pattern found on a freshly-washed gray horse left unattended in the stall for 10 minutes
* Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from knuckles
* Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a horse show

rodeo BITS OF COWBOY WISDOM


"The best way to get a cowboy to do something is to suggest he is too old for it."
"Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain't talking."
"Never drop your Winchester to hug a grizzly."
"One good sharp knife is worth two of almost anything else, except women and horses, of course."
"Never trust a man who agrees with you. He's probably wrong."
"If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, best take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."
"Always feed your horses and take time for your friends."
"A man on foot is no man at all."
"A good horse is never a bad color."
"A pair of six-shooters beats a pair of aces."
"If you can't squat with your spurs on, you ain't a real cowboy."
"Learn to speak kind words--nobody resents them."
"I am what I want to be."
"Careful is a naked man climbing a barbed wire fence."
"Always ride the horse in the direction it's going."
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"Don't wear woolly chaps in sheep country during the breeding season."
"Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or a cook."
"It ain't so much a matter of not knowing, as it is a matter of knowing so much that ain't so."
"Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much." --John Wayne
"One thing I'll say fer the West is that in this country there is more cows and less butter, more rivers and less water, and you can look farther and see less than in any other place in the world."--Anonymous Rancher
"A man is not born a cowboy; He becomes one."
"Its a mistake to drive black cattle in the dark."
"Some people grin and bear it. Other people smile and change it."
"An old timer is a man who's had a lot of interesting experiences -- some of them true."
"Every cowboy thinks he knows more than every other cowboy. But the only thing they all know for sure is when's payday and where's grub." --LLRoyster
"Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around, we use our fingers." --Will Rogers
"The dog is the protector and friend of every person in the earth." --Crow Proverb
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please." --Mark Twain "You raise kids, dogs, and horses all the same."--Ray Farmer

flaghorse Welcome to Horse-Aholic's Anonymous

I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Horse-aholic Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a horse-aholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.


1. Can you say "sheath" in public without blushing?
2. Do you drive a big truck with a towing package when everyone else drives a real car?
3. Do you have more than one vehicle? One for you and one for the horses?
4. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, clinics and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
5. If you do go overseas, is it to a riding vacation in Ireland or to Spruce Meadows to watch the Grand Prix?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Is your interior decorator State Line Tack?
9. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your horses in mind?
10. Are your end tables really tack trunks with tablecloths thrown over them?
11. Do you know the meaning of _____________?
12. Is your mail made up primarily of horse catalogs and horse magazines?
13. Do you get up before dawn to ride? Go to horse shows? Clinics? [but have trouble getting up for "work?"]
14. If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain bits of carrot, hay, or sweet feed?
15. When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of horse they have and pity them if they don't have one?
16. Do you remember the name of their horse sooner than you remember their name?
17. Do you find non-horse people boring?

If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble. My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good horses and it will never be boring.

laugh A Cowboy Prayer


May your horse never stumble,
Your spurs never rust,
May your guts never grumble,
Your cinch never bust!
May your boots never pinch,
Your crops never fail,
While you eat lots of beans,
And stay out of JAIL!

goof Top Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say


10. Don't clean out my stall, I adore the smell.
9. No thanks, one can of oats is enough for me.
8. Doctor, may I please have a rectal exam.
7. I just love traveling in a hot trailer.
6. Mr. Farrier, please don't stop pounding on my hooves.
5. There's room for one more on my back.
4. I feel like galloping another 20 miles.
3. Low branch! Duck!
2. You can go ahead and leave, I'll wash myself down.
1. Can we do this again tomorrow??

horse What do classified terms really mean?


* Nicely Started: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
* Top Show Horse: won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusual low entries due to a hurricane
* Home Bred: knows nothing except being raised on the front porch
* Recently Vetted: someone else found something badly wrong with the horse
* Big Boned: good thing horse has mane & tail or he would be mistaken for a cow
* Well Mannered: hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week Professionally Trained: hasn't stepped, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
* Should Mature 16 hands: currently 13h, dam is 14.2h, sire is 15h, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h but this horse will definitely defy his DNA and grow
* To Good Home Only: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth, 2) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night, 3) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
* Athletic: runaway
* Needs intermediate Rider: runaway
* Needs Experienced Rider: "dead" runaway
* Dead Quiet: just dead
* No Vices: especially when he wears his muzzle
* Light Cribber: we can't afford to build any more barns & fences for the buzz saw
* No Time For Him: he's lucky to be fed
* Excellent Disposition: never been out of his stall
* Clips, hauls, and Loads: Clippity, clippity is the sound his hooves make when he hauls a$$ across the parking lot when you try to load him
* Good Broodmare prospect: not even a chance she's rideable
* Daughter outgrown: she's into boys now
* "Hey cowboys, here's one for you": only if you're into bucking stock
* Big circle horse: can't turn in 240 acres
* Great stops: slams those shoulders and launches rider every time!
* Easy to catch: in a 10 X 10 stall
* Easy to load: only takes 3 hours, 4 men and a tractor with loader
* Spirited: Loves to run all out all the time.
* Good mother: Awful at everything else.
* Protective mother: Don't even think about getting near that baby until weaning time.
* Has beautiful babies: good, because she's plug ugly herself.
* Pasture horse: He'll kick a new door in your stall to get out.
* Spectacularly marked: Horrible conformation, pretty spots.
* Used to race: Still does, unless firmly tied to a tree.
* Owner getting out of the business: Owner is tired of dealing with this ignorant monster.
* Works well off his rear: because the front is usually off the ground.
* Must sell due to financial situation: horse is costing me a fortune in bute and supplements.
* Puppy dog temperament: has no manners, but is cute, so it's ok.
* Always in the ribbons: 10th place....out of 10 riders.
* Wonderful Halter prospect: bred for beauty...not brains

running A Horse's View of the World

Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: counterirritant
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Hotwalker: The lesser of two evils.
Jump: An opportunity for self-statement.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.

draft

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative but very curious…. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

rainbow

A bay is hardy, a chestnut is fast
and you can't kill a buckskin: he'll last and last
a grey is gentle, a sorrel is hot,
a dun is a horse you'll be happy you bought
white eyes are flights, white feet may crack
while some won't rely on the feet of a black.
some pintos are lucky, like the medicine hat
but all horsemen agree the best color is fat.

head Sign outside a riding stable:

"We have big horses for big folks, small horses for small folks, slow horses for people who like to ride slow, and for folks who have never ridden before, we have horses who have never been ridden."

baby Murphy's Horse Laws

There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run away from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.

cowA REDNECK VALENTINE

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...

IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!

Yipeeee....Yee Ha!

Happy Valentine's Day